Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
