kristin has been a bad kristin
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
