I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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