If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do vagina's smell?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
