So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
