If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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