She is in my trunk
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
