I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
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I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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