Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize