70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
