I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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