2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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