dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
