I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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