first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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