Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
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