I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
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...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
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I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?