He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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