he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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