I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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