theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
