Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
