So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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