I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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