o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
