I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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