return my video game
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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