Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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