You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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