shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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