i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it's like iHOP with fire
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
