so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
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Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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