Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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