You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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