walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I AM VODKA MAN
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
