toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
