i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
