Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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