Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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