K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
