She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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