My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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