I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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