This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
