this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i will never coherently bang her
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
