She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
