Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
