Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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