I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
