Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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