i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
