I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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