I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Your penis caused this!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
