my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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