he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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